I feel like Ira Glass from "This American Life" with this blog today, because it comes to you in two acts. And the theme is, "What the f*** is wrong with you?"

Our first act takes place in the new Dolce Nightclub (formerly Club Paris for those of you who live in a cave). I'm not reviewing it here, but giving a slice of the evening that stood out the most. However, if you would like to read my review you can check it out here.

Back to the story, so the club is blue and green now and there is no way to get into the building from the old entrance without getting pounced by the small army of security casing the joint. That said, I entered from

Church Street

into a tunnel of smoke that rivals anything at Halloween Horror Nights at Universal. Once inside, I grabbed a drink and started people watching. Turns out the old entrance wasn't off limits to everyone, the owner walked through it into the club with about four, I'm sure what he would consider, hotties. He parked them out on the dance floor and went on his merry way.

Now, I don't know if he thought no one would notice this but of course I did. What I noticed next was pretty funny. One of the girls had a dress on that went to about the bottom of her butt cheeks. There were holes on the sides of the dress making it obvious this young las forgot to put on her knickers before heading out.

Yeah, I don't think she forgot either.

Which is fine, but what she did next just made her look like a fake ass. She goes to the stage with all her buddies hops right up and sits down on said stage. Now how the dress stayed where it did amazed me. Then her friend started taking pictures of her on the stage. Her just sitting there and completely exposed to the crowd.

I just figured the owner brought them in to get people to come out to the dance floor, because let's face it, hot girls with barely any clothes on is a good draw. It's worked for strip clubs for years. But for this girl to act surprised and shocked after she took the camera from her friend to look at her photo and see her nether regions were in the shot was just stupid. Honey, you know you had no underwear on and you're sitting legs open on a stage in a dress. What did you think would be in the picture? Other folks at the bar caught this as well and were snickering along with me. Whether she noticed or not, I have no idea, but her and her friends left there dance area shortly after. I may have been standing in the former Club Paris, but all of a sudden I couldn't get Britney Spears out of my head. Dumbass.

This brings us to Act II, karaoke last night at the Lucky Leprechaun Pub on I-Drive. As much as I know I-Drive is a family-friendly tourist trap, it still shocked me upon arrival to the pub that kids were running around inside. I'm sure the folks from

Europe have their internal clocks way off, so the fact that it was 10 at night didn't bother me too much.

I was sitting in the back with all of my friends talking about what song we were going to sing next when I saw the monitor in front of me state some guy and gal were about to sing "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns N' Roses. My inner hair-rawker got excited and turned around to face the stage.

And that was when I saw who was going to sing this song about living on the streets in a strange city. It was no guy or gal but a little boy and little girl about the ages of 9 and 6 if I had to guess. Excessive drinking has wiped their names clean from my memory bank, so let's call them Hansel and Gretel.

"I don't think this is what Axl Rose had in mind when he wrote this," said one of my friends. But you couldn't help but watch. And where the hell the parents were was anyone's guess. Whether young Hansel was really trying to channel Axl's rage with his up and down movements or was trying to get himself high enough to reach the top of the mic stand is anybody's guess.

But the best was when Hansel bellowed out the lyrics like a young Peter Brady, "YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE...?" In which I cut him off and said, "In a bar, with a lot of drunk adults singing Guns N' Roses children."

Just when you think you have seen everything, there's always something that slips in the back door.

Will's Pub is coming back to not only Orlando, but Mills Avenue. Here's an excerpt from my column that is running in the Orlando Sentinel this Friday about it:

"I may not have come back with a dime from Vegas last week, but I felt like I hit the jackpot when I got home that night and found out Will Walker has found a new space for Will's Pub. Better news is it's on Mills Avenue in Orlando, not far from where the old place once stood, but closer to the Wally's, Uncle Lou's, Paradise and Peacock Room end of the action.

According to Walker, the space is roughly the same size as the old pub with three rooms instead of two. You should see the opening of the bar at 1040 N. Mills Ave. in the next month or two."

Hey folks, looks like the Drunken Monkey Coffee Bar will be opening its doors to the public tomorrow night (that would be Sept. 26) from 7 - 10 p.m. for its grand opening. I've driven by the place quite a few times during the remodeling of the spot on 444 N. Bumby Ave. and I'm curious what it looks like on the inside. Like I said in a previous blog, the monkey isn't getting drunk on alcohol, but there will be lots of coffee beverages along with soups, desserts and other items.

But if it's a stiff drink you want, no one pours them stiffer than Wally's on 1001 N. Mills Ave. The bar just called me a few minutes ago to let me know every Monday they offer Monday Martini Madness from open to close with $4.50 call brand martinis. And with the way Wally's pours that's probably the best deal in town. I just suggest you cut yourself off after two or three or you gonna be in trouble.

I had to spotlight this reader review I read earlier today on the site for Matthew Steaks & More in Ocoee. It turns out the restaurant has another idea of what the "More" means in its name.

"A few years ago I took my wife out for a nice dinner at Matthew's Steaks and MORE. (See review Sept 20, 2004) Matthew actually served us. Several months later Matthew slept with my wife and broke up our marriage. I don't recommend this place."

Keep the reviews coming folks.

Funny thing is this Monday we have some famous DJs playing in Orlando, however, they're not really famous for the DJing.

The first one I told you about last week, the absurdity that is Tommy Lee DJing at Blue Martini on Monday night should be a show stopper. But the hottie that is turning up at Bliss Lounge that same night should also draw a big crowd. Jesse Metcalfe of "Desperate Housewives" and "John Tucker Must Die" fame will be hosting "Pure Bliss" at the club in downtown Orlando from 10 p.m. - 2 a.m.

Decisions, decisions... I guess I'll just have to split my time between the two boys.

So I'm hearing not so nice things about Dolce in downtown Orlando from you folks. Everything from it looks the same with new paint to the nurse shark and tropical fish need a bigger tank and clean water to Fred Khalilian will be out of business in about three months. I haven't been by, that's the plan for this weekend so I haven't formed an opinion yet. But you'll definitely hear my weigh-in on Monday.

I don't know what to believe anymore when it comes to Fred Khalilian's press releases. That would be the former owner of Club Paris, and the soon to be Dolce Nightclub.

First he was going to have a show on the air to find the new face of Club Paris after they split their partnership, that show never happened. Then Club Paris was going to close but that didn't happen until a month after the announcement. Then he was going to open a new nightclub in the space on Central Boulevard in downtown Orlando that used to be Cairo. Not so much on that one either, because the name of that club that would have been on Central (according to a press release) was supposed to be Dolce and now according to another press release from Khalilian he's opening Dolce Nightclub where Club Paris used to stand at 122 W. Church St. in downtown Orlando.

In fact, the grand opening is this weekend. I'll be out of town, so I won't know if what is essentially a repainted Club Paris will actually open this weekend. I've learned not to trust those press releases, but one thing I feel certain about is that Paris Hilton won't be attending. In other words, don't expect too much of a difference between Dolce and Club Paris.

Grab your slippers and pillows kids because Peacock Room in Orlando will be starting up its popular Cereal Sundays this weekend. Imagine cozying up in your pajamas watching cartoons or sci-fi with a cereal selection and full bar at your disposal. It really is magical. I'll be out of town so you guys need to make it out there for me so they don't get rid of it again, the bar opens at 11 a.m. This seriously is good times.

Oh, did I mention it's free? See you at the next one.

I so didn't mean to be gone so long from this blog! And I apologize, in a few short weeks you'll not only be seeing a whole different web site when you come here but a new name as well and I've been busy making sure everything is ready for when that time comes. I've also been traveling like crazy, going to Dallas, Chicago, Las Vegas in less than a month. Nuts! I know.

But that never stops me from going out as you all know so while I have a quick moment to spend with you I'll share some of my high points and low points of my recent nightlife outtings. Some of this you already read in the column but I want to reiterate and add to.

The Celt: A beautiful bar in downtown Orlando that needs to lower its prices. $5.25 for most pints is high guys, and you have a great spot and perfect niche market, work with us here and you'll see our smiling faces in front of the bar with cash in hand. Also, sorry I didn't mention all the owners in the column I wrote last week. Besides Jimmy Mulvaney, co-owners also include his wife Kathy and Rick and Lisa Boyd. Kudos on the Irish stew and that you don't put peas in it. As my friend Vincent says, "Peas are the devil's vegetable."

NV: Oh NV, my heart is yours. To find out why, you can read my column this Friday about the gallery in downtown Orlando, but I will say this place is my latest favorite little hideaway. And I personally want no one else in town to go there so it doesn't get crowded and stupid like most places around this city do. I love you NV, I do.

Kiwi's: If everyone is done vomiting in their mouths from my last paragraph we can move onto Kiwi's in Altamonte Springs. The place has been located in a strip mall off of 436 for many years but I just hadn't stopped by in a long time. Which is a shame because $5.50 Yuengling pitchers on game day make it a Sunday football must. I'll be back by more often from now on.

In the "Are you shitting me?" category this week we have word that Tommy Lee will be DJing at Blue Martini on Sept. 24. And yes, that would be Tommy Lee from Motley Crue... DJing... at Blue Martini. How's that for everything but the proverbial musical kitchen sink? You know I'm going to this. How could I miss it? But do you think the dress code will allow ripped jeans that evening?